February 13, 2012

5 Great Ways to Clean Up Dog Poop

Dog poop can be a real pain in the butt and humans don't like it very much either. It is stinky and is a nightmare when it gets on the bottom of your shoe or, if you're really unlucky, your sock. Not only does it look, smell, and feel disgusting, dog poop contains a butt-load of toxic chemicals and diseases like tapeworm, corona, salmonellosis, and shitoriosis. And since dog waste is such a tempting dinner item, make sure you get that shiz picked up before any of your kids, neighbors, or neighbor's kids get any unsavory ideas.

What You Can Do-Do About It

Lucky for you and your neighbor's kids, I've put together a list of 5 ways to properly dispose of doggie poopy so hopefully at least one method appeals to you.

Preparation and Disclaimer
Bear in mind that with every method it is recommended that you bundle up real nice which should involve one or more latex gloves per hand. This blog is not responsible for any illness that may or may not occur as a result of Dog Duty. I hear tapeworm is not very fun so watch out! Don't be lickin your fingers throughout ANY of the following procedures.

Dog Poop in the Yard

The amount of poop your yard acquires will depend on the size and type of dog you have. Some dogs poop 4-5 times a day while other dogs get away with pooping once or twice per day. Some dogs are like rabbits and poop little baby pebbles while other dogs give birth to poop babies that are big enough to have a brain and 4 stomachs of their own.

#1. Pooper Scooper

One of the most obvious and common ways of taking care of dog waste in large amounts is to buy an instrument specifically designed for the collection and disposal of fecal matter.

You can buy them almost anywhere and they often times consist of a long handle with two shovel-shaped heads on the end that allow you to clamp, scrape, scoop, or push the poop into an area far away from your nose and mouth. You then dump it from the scoop into a large dumpster, chemical fire, or molten lava- whichever you prefer.

#2. Red Neck Poop Scoop

A less expensive and equally effective way of picking up mass quantities of Chinese Corndogs is with a Red Neck Poop Scoop.

A Red Neck Poop Scoop is nothing more than a 5 gallon bucket lined with a black trash bag and one of those skinny fan rakes known as a Shrub Rake. Carry the 5 gallon bucket in one hand and pick up the poop using the rake with the other hand. The Shrub Rake's long handle makes it so you don't have to bend down to get to the poop and keeps it far, far away from your nose and face. A video demonstration of how to prepare and use a Red Neck Poop scoop will be coming soon!

#3. Make Someone Else Do It

If you've put off picking up the Chubbacca Chunks for months and your lawn is now looking like a Chocolate Army, there are [I'm not making this up] people out there that will pick up your dog's Jujubees for the right price. That's right, professionals make a living cleaning up your dog's creamy butt nuggets. They are The Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists and you can contact them on their website for more information.

If you have a landscape company clean your yard regularly, often times they will get rid of Booty-Cakes for an extra charge.

Dog Chit On-The-Go

#4. Bag and Hand Routine

When you're walking your dog around the neighborhood or at the park, you don't want to carry around a Pooper Scooper or a "Little Stinker Poop Scoop" because they're enormous and everyone will look at you funny. So you have a couple of decisions to make when you're dog decides to drop a few bombs mid-walk.

You could do any of the following:
  • do what most people do and say to yourself, "Like hell am I cleaning that shit up." and walk away.
  • Or you could be a responsible dog owner and put on a latex glove and pick up the poop using a plastic bag, as demonstrated in the video below:

#5. The Fake-Out

The Fake-Out is a method that I do not recommend because cleaning up after your dog is the responsible and right thing to do. However, I don't pretend to be perfect and have, myself, left a pile of black bananas sitting in public grass when I should have been a responsible adult and picked it up.

So, if you're out walking your dog and he or she decides it is time to free the chickens from the coop, and a stranger happens to be watching the whole thing, the Fake-Out is one [irresponsible] option. Put on your latex glove and pull out a plastic bag. Bend over to pick up the poop but just before you wrap your protected hand around it, grab just left of the poop and pretend to pick it up. If the grass is thick enough, it will look like you are actually picking up the poop. It also helps to make disgusted facial expressions and to plug your nose with your free hand to really sell it.

But remember kids, the right thing to do is to pick up after your dog both On-The-Go and in the yard. You don't want to make your dog live in filth and you don't want to cause someone else to step in your dog's bum brownie.


Phil Goold is a retired landscaper of 30 years. He loves being outside more than anything else, except maybe pie. He enjoys connecting with other landscapers and gardeners because everyone brings something new and fun to the table. Connect with Phil on Twitter and Google+.

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